The JOY of the Lord is our strength

"The joy of the Lord is your STRENGTH!" So lighten up. Laugh. Giggle. Don't take yourself so seriously! That's what this page is all about. Laugh out loud. It'll do 'ya good!

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts. "How can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "you ARE on the other side!"

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your at together. Just yesterday you take my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

Top Ten Silly Ways of Determining God's Will

   10. Playing spin the Bible!
   9. Playing pin the tail on the prophet!
   8. Embarking on an Oreo fast!
   7. Interpreting the ring on your bathtub!
   6. Seeking the hidden meaning from the prize in your Kinder Egg!
   5. Watching Oprah!
   4. Attempting to psychically link with your pet budgie!
   3. Playing tapes of the Bible backwards and looking for hidden messages!
   2. Watching the shopping network!
   And the number one silly way of determining God's Will is:
   1. Reading the foam on your Orange Mocha Frappuccino.
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The Manhattan Commuter train was packed. Suddenly there was a jingle on the floor. Most necks were craned. One elderly gentleman, however, bent down and picked something up. He then asked, "Did anyone drop a half dollar?"

"I did," answered three men at once.

"Well," said the elderly gent with a smile, "here's a dime of it."

A minister was planning a wedding at the close of the Sunday morning service.

After the benediction he had planned to call the couple down to be married for a brief ceremony before the congregation. For the life of him, he couldn't think of the names of those who were to be married.

"Will those wanting to get married please come to the front?" he requested.

Immediately, nine single ladies, three widows, four widowers, and six single men stepped to the front.

Responses from a Catholic elementary school when children were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments:

"Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines."

"The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him."

Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles."

"Christian have only one spouse - this is called monotony."

"Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night."

I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose: some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

The good news is that even as we get older, guys still look at our boobs. The bad news is they have to squat down first.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"

Weary of constantly picking clothes up from the floor of her son's room, a mother finally laid down the law: each item of clothing she had to pick up would cost her son 25 cents.

By the end of the week, he owed her $1.50. She received the money promptly, along with a 50-cent tip and a note that read,

"Thanks, Mom; keep up the good work!"

After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up."

That's okay with us," his mom said, "but what made you decide that?"

"Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen."

A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town shopping. He decided to go fishing and he had to take her along.

"I'll never do that again!" he told his mother that evening. "I didn't catch a thing!"

"Oh, next time I'm sure she'll be quiet and not scare the fish away," his mother said.

The boy explained, "It wasn't that. She ate all the bait."

God was sitting in heaven one day when a scientist said to Him, "God, we don't need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing - in other words, we can now do what you did in the beginning."

"Oh, is that so? Tell Me..." replies God.

"Well," says the scientist, "we can take dirt and form it into the likeness of You and breathe life into it, thus creating man."

"Well, that's very interesting...show Me." So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil into the shape of a man.

"No, no, no..." interrupts God, "Get your own dirt."

A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon. "How do you know what to say?" he asked. "Why, God tells me."
"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"
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There is the story of a person who got up one Sunday and
announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign, "Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step on exhaust."

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him in front of the service station. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Reverend," said the young man, "Sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."

The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."

I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued.

At last, she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"

People want the front of the bus, the back of the church and the center of attention.

Somebody once figured out that we have 35 million laws trying to enforce ten commandments.
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Some people REALLY love Christmas. Me, I love Thanksgiving.

Last year I had my chance to do the traditional thing of shooting my own turkey for Thanksgiving.

Man, you should have seen the people scatter in the meat department!

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GETTING CLOSER TO THIS?????

Three old sisters...92, 94 and 96 years old, respectively, all lived together.
One day the oldest sister drew a bath. She put one foot in the water. Paused. She then called downstairs to her sisters. "Am I getting in the tub or out of the tub?
The middle sister started up the stairs to help, then paused and called back downstairs. "Was I going up or coming down?"
The youngest sister, who was sitting at the kitchen table having tea, said, " I guess I'll have to help. I hope I never get forgetful," and knocked on wood. She got up then, paused and called "I'll come up as soon as I see who's at the door."

On a vacation to Australia, a Texas farmer meets an Aussie farmer and starts talking to him about his farm.

The Aussie takes him to see his big wheat field, but the Texan wasn't impressed.

"We have wheat fields that are twice as large as this one," he told the Aussie.

The Aussie farmer drives him around the ranch and shows off his big herd of cattle.

"Oh, our longhorns are at least twice as big as these," the Texan bragged.

The Aussie farmer is getting frustrated when the Texan notices a herd of kangaroos hopping across a field.

"What on earth are those?" he asks.

The Aussie turns to him with an astonished look. "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"

It isn't difficult to make a mountain out of a molehill, just add a little dirt...

It's all right to sit on your pity pot every now and again. Just be sure to flush every once-in-a-while.

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start.

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Little Harold was practicing the violin in the living room while his father was trying to read in the den. The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Harold's violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly.

The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Then he jumped up and yelled above the noise,

You have to go to the repair center every thousand miles to get the duct tape replaced.

You accidentally drive into a junkyard, drive out, and get accused of stealing.

Traffic Light: Apparatus that automatically turns red when your car approaches

Opera: When a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding he sings.

A pregnant woman [whose husband was out of town] gets in a car accident and is knocked unconscious.

When she wakes up three days later, she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Ma'am you had twins! ~ a boy and a girl. We couldn't reach your husband and since your brother was the first one here the day they were born, we let him name them for you."

The women thinks to herself, "No, not my brother!" She asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.

Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?

Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?

Statistics show that the front of the church building is the safest in the event of natural disaster. There's still lots of padding in these seats since they're almost like new. No one will hear your stomach make those "alien" noises. You love worshipping the Lord and feeding on His Word. Closer to the spout where the glory comes out!

Some people never seem motivated to participate, but are just content to watch while others do the work. They are called SPECK TATERS. Some people never do anything to help, but are gifted at finding fault with the way others do the work. They are called COMMENT TATERS. Some people are always looking to cause problems by asking others to agree with them. It is too hot or too cold, too sour or too sweet. They are called AGIE TATERS. There are those who say they will help, but somehow just never get around to actually doing what they promised. You're right, they're called HEZZIE TATERS. Some people can put up a front and pretend to be someone they are not. They're called EMMA TATERS. Then there are those who love others and do what they say they will. They are always prepared to stop whatever they are doing and lend a helping hand. They bring real sunshine into the lives of others. They are called SWEET TATERS.

A local priest and pastor were fishing on the side of the road. They thoughtfully made a sign saying, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" and showed it to each passing car.

One driver that drove by didn't appreciate the sign and shouted at them: "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!"

All of a sudden they heard a loud splash, looked at each other, and the priest said to the pastor, "You think we should just put up a sign that says, 'BRIDGE OUT' instead?"

A Goober was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and landed on "Science and Nature." Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" The Goober thought for a time and then asked, "Is it turned on or off?"

I just read a report stating that last year, 153,237 people got married. I don't want to start any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?

While driving through Buffalo after a heavy snow storm, a motorist noted a policeman, standing waist deep in snow, directing traffic.

Feeling sorry for him, the motorist called out, "I'm sorry you have to work half buried in the snow."

The policeman called back, "Don't feel sorry for me, feel sorry for my horse!"

The average suth'ner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit.

The average suth'ner knows the difference between "pert'near" and "a right far piece."

The average suth'ner knows rocking chairs and swings are guaranteed stress relievers.

Chocolate is a vegetable: Chocolate is derived from cocoa beans. Bean=vegetable. Sugar is derived from either sugar CANE or sugar BEETS. Both are plants, which places them in the vegetable category. Thus, chocolate is a vegetable. To go one step further, chocolate candy bars also contain milk, which is dairy. So candy bars are a health food.

Problem: How to get two pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. Solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take the time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog that barks all the time run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.

" A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit saps a person's strength." [Proverbs 17:22 The Book]

A rough looking guy walked into a fancy French restaurant. The maitre-d wanted to get rid of a potential trouble-maker so he said, "Sir, you can't come in here without a tie."

As a result, the guy went out to his car, looked around, but couldn't find a tie. Finally, he looked in his trunk and found a pair of jumper cables. He then proceeded to wrap them around his neck and walked back into the restaurant.

The maitre-d looked at him and reluctantly said, "OK. you can come in, but don't start anything."

What do you get when you cross a turkey with a centipede? Ans. A drumstick for everyone.

"Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with." ~ Kathleen Mifsud

"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry." ~ Rita Rudner

"When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking." ~ Elaine Boosler

"Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a big gut and still think they are beautiful." ! Anonymous

Two elderly ladies were fussing about their husbands over tea one day. "I do wish my Leroy would stop biting his nails!" the first one said. "Oh, my Elmer used to do the same thing," the other woman commented. "What did you do?" "I hid his teeth!"

A seven-year old child was drawing a picture of the Nativity. The picture was very good, including Mary, Joseph and, of course, Baby Jesus.

However, there was also a fat man standing in the corner of the stable. When the child was asked about it, she replied, "Oh, That's Round John Virgin."

A man entered a drug store and asked to see the pharmacist. When the pharmacist came out, the man asked if he could give him a cure for the hiccups.

"Doctor!" whined the patient. "I keep seeing spots before my eyes." The physician scratched his head, "Why have you come to me? Have you seen an ophthalmologist?" "No," replied the patient, "just spots." [groan]

- Only 6% of the homes had a telephone. A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost $11.

- Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California. With a mere 1.4 million residents, California was only the 21st most populous state in the Union.

The average wage in the U.S. was twenty-two cents an hour. The average U.S. worker made between $200 and $400 per year. A competent accountant could expect to ear $2000 per year, a dentist $2500 per year, a veterinarian between $1500 and $4000 a year and a mechanical engineer about $5000 a year.

- 90% of all U.S. physicians had no college education. Instead, they attended medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press and by the government as "substandard."

- Sugar cost four cents a pound. Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen. Coffee cost fifteen cents a pound.

- Most women only washed their hair once a month and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo.

- Canada passed a law prohibiting poor people from entering the country for any reason, either as travelers or immigrants.

- The population of Las Vegas, Nevada was thirty. The remote desert community was inhabited by only a handful of ranchers and their families.

- One in ten U.S. adults couldn't read or write. Only 6% of all Americans had graduated from high school.

- Marijuana, heroin and morphine were all available over the counter at corner drugstores. According to one pharmacist, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and the bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health."